In life you can find yourself questioning your own motives. What on earth made me decide to do that? Why didn't I do that instead? These questions were a constant drain on one's desire to always be right!
John asked himself these questions constantly and more so when it came to his husband – Luciano. John liked the quiet life and considered himself to be the most undramatic person that had ever walked the earth.
Luciano believed he was god’s gift to men, women, and no doubt God herself! He was nothing special to look at. Oh, he was good looking of course, John didn’t do charity work, but Luciano didn't have that polished beauty that excused him from being a drama queen and an absolute bitch!
Unfortunately, despite all the drama, John loved his husband; he just didn’t like him very much. However, he didn't marry Luciano so they could be friends. He always found those couples who said, “I’ve married my best friend,” rather nauseating.
Luciano was always on edge; his personality ensured that the simplest things in life were major dramas. The latest example was when John had invited his family round for dinner and Luciano had humiliated him by ridiculing the food. There was nothing wrong with the food; it just wasn't part of the latest fad diet. One of Luciano’s more common dramatic outbursts was his inability to put on weight.
“I just eat and eat and can’t put any weight on. Do you know how frustrating that is? Why is life so unfair?”
That was one of the least dramatic statements.
John’s brother had made the mistake of vocalising what everybody else was thinking – first world problems! Since then, Luciano had forbidden him to set foot in the house again.
Luciano’s obsession over his weight was now borderline psychotic. He was on the scales constantly – after he ate a morsel and after anything came out! John could put up with a lot and had over the three days they'd been married, but enough was enough. The situation with his brother had been a step too far. It was a no-brainer – he would have to kill Luciano. Leaving him would involve far too much paperwork!
Now how to do it?
Poison wouldn't work as he never knew what Luciano would be eating from one day to the next, although he knew that Luciano had a fetish for inhaling cheesecake. They’d met at a Golden Girls fan convention, after all.
Smothering was a possibility, although it could take some time for Luciano to die, and John wasn’t sure he would be able to hold the pillow over his face for that long. It could also damage the pillows. They weren’t cheap.
John also ruled out drowning – too long and dramatic.
Shooting and stabbing were too messy, and the cleaner wasn’t due for five days.
There was only one option, he’d electrocute him in the bath. It worked in the films, although he hoped Luciano would not be re-incarnated as a psychotic doll.
Luciano had a bath almost every night, so there was no time to waste. Best to do it now whilst the anger still sat like a heavy stone in John's stomach. His chest tightened with nerves, or was it excitement?
Unfortunately, there was nothing obvious that could accidentally fall into the bath, although he was now at a point where he could quite easily just throw a drill in there. Not his drill; it was the only wedding present he liked. Luciano had not been impressed and was still threatening to return it.
"I can use it to make our home beautiful", John had suggested.
“Darling, our home will be beautiful as long as you don’t touch anything, alright?”
He knew in that moment that he had made a terrible mistake. That was his wedding night! John looked down at his ankle and the tattoo which said Mr Right. That would need to be removed, or he would come across as a conceited twat, especially when he was looking for a new husband.
When he got home, Luciano was already in the bath singing, practising his Adele audition for some god-awful talent show. Adele had nothing to worry about!
Clearly the diet was off again as half a cheesecake lay on the kitchen table. There was a strong temptation to eat it all, yet Luciano would go mad. Oh yes, it wouldn't matter anymore would it?
It tasted heavenly as the chocolate and pistachio melted in John’s mouth. He couldn’t help himself and finished what was left of the cheesecake. He automatically placed the plate in the dishwasher – that would soon be a habit of the past.
John pulled the hair straighteners out from his bag. It would be the perfect murder!
Suddenly, it felt like he'd been punched hard in the stomach. It had winded him so badly that he fell to his knees in agonising pain. His throat started burning and his heart rate increased dramatically. He could feel the blood rushing to his head and knew he was seconds away from passing out.
"Nobody gets one over on me, darling," said Luciano’s cold voice.
The last thing John saw was Luciano’s matching tattoo on his ankle – Mr Always Right!